


And You And I

by amenokuma (orphan_account)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-26 03:09:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/amenokuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Say, Kanda, do you ever dream about me?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Say, Kanda, do you ever dream about me?

Because I dream about you. All the time. Oh god, that makes me sound like a stalker. Ha ha ha...

Anyway, you'd probably kill me if I ever told you that, but it's not like I have control over what I dream. Maybe I'm insecure, about this thing inside me. You seem so strong and disciplined, and maybe I'm attracted to that and it filters into my dreams.

You make yourself so unapproachable to everyone, but that just makes me want to find my way inside those walls you put up. I think that I'd find a fragile heart there, just like mine. Yes, I think you're just like me and maybe that's why I want to get closer.

I'm tired. Everyone has such high expectations of me and I'll do my best to live up to them, but in the dark of the night, when I'm all alone, I get scared that one of these days I'll wake up and I won't be me anymore. I'll have turned into _him;_ and then what?

What would I do? Would I hurt everyone? Kill everyone? The thought of losing control, losing myself, frightens me. But then, who am I really? Now that I know all this I question everything, and I feel lost and alone. I'm still alone, even though I'm surrounded by all these people who say they care about me and that I'm part of the family.

But I see (feel) the way they look at me when they think I'm not looking. I'm not immune to the whispered suspicions. They're all afraid of me. _**I'm**_ afraid of me. But you're not. You look me straight in the eye and never falter, never flinch, and I'm forever grateful for that.

I notice the way Lavi's eye narrows just a bit, and I know his mind is calculating all kinds of possibilities as he considers just what I am and what I would be capable of.

Then there's Lenalee, who cares so much about her family and her home. She's strong and she says she considers me part of her life, but what would she do if I turned on them? Would she help me? Would she try to stop me? Could she kill me? I don't know. I don't think so.

But you could. Without hesitation you would stop me, and that's what I admire so much about you. Why I dream of you.

They say there are those who can enter people's dreams. What if I was dreaming about you and you were dreaming about me and our dreams connected? I know, fanciful thinking on my part, but just, what if?

Would you walk with me? Talk with me? Could we open up to each other? Could we just be together?

What if I wanted to touch you? Would you let me? Let me take your hand? Give me some of your quiet strength? Because I need it right now. I need it so much, and I know tonight I'll dream about you again.

Then maybe in the morning, if I'm still myself, I'll go down to the cafeteria like I always do and everyone will be there, all smiling faces and "Good mornings". And there you'll be, sitting by yourself in your corner, ignoring all the noise around you as you eat.

You'll glance over at me and see me watching you. You'll scowl and look away, but just for that moment I know you've seen me, the real me, looking past my pasted on smile. You always see exactly how I feel with those dark eyes of yours, and because of that my smile becomes real, just knowing there's at least one person in this world who knows who I am.

We'll argue and fight like always, but wouldn't it be nice if, just for a little while, we could _**just be**_. Like what I imagine in my dreams.

Would you like that? To be free for a while? Would you even want to spend that time with me? I think it would be nice, and we wouldn't have to talk if you didn't want to. I know you're not one for talking all that much, except when we're yelling at each other. But wouldn't it be nice if our hands could touch in a way that was different than just punching each other in the face?

Because I want to touch you, absorb you through my skin. And I would give you whatever I could to help you, because I think you need help, too. You asked me once if I didn't have anything dear to me, which makes me think you have something you care about, too. At the time I told you I lost all that was dear to me long ago, but that's all changed now because I care about you.

I'll take my food over to your table and say good morning and you'll answer, looking annoyed as usual. Then we'll spar or go on missions and everything will continue as it normally does, but maybe I can get just a little closer to you and maybe, with time, you won't mind. Trouble is, we don't have all the time in the world, but I'll take what I can get and I hope you'll want what I can give, and maybe that'll be enough.

And when our time comes, which it will very soon, you and I will walk together in dreams, finished with all the madness, and I'll take your hand in mine, and you'll finally let me.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey, Moyashi, why do you keep staring at me?

Do you want something from me? Because I've got nothing to give.

Or do you want to give me something? Maybe hope, like you give everyone else? I don't have any use for hope, because I'm different than all of you. Well, maybe not so different from you. You and I are a lot alike. We're both puppets, dancing madly as someone inside us pulls our invisible strings.

I've always thought you were a fake, but now I think you're just confused because of whatever the hell is inside you, now that you know you're not just you anymore.

Are you afraid? Do you want someone to talk to? Then you're looking at the wrong person. Talk is not something I do. But you already know that, don't you?

So, what _**do**_ you want?

I already told you I hate guys like you, but you know what I hate even more? That you make me lose my composure. That I revert to the sarcastic little brat I used to be, and it's driving me mad that you can drag that out of me.

I can't even meditate without you popping up in the middle of it. Next thing you know I'll be dreaming about you or some stupid, sappy shit like that.

Bet that'd make you happy, damn Moyashi.

You keep hammering on the doors of my defenses. They're closed for a reason and even _**I**_ don't want to open them. Because it's not a pretty sight, and if you think you can just waltz in and _**help**_ me you can just forget about it. I don't want your help. I don't _**need**_ your help. I don't need anyone, so just…

…stop looking at me like that, because I don't want to go there. That's not me. I need to believe that. Don't send me back there, to a past that's not even mine. It's just too…

Have you ever looked at my lotus?

Tch, of course not. You can't see it, no one can. Only me, and it's withering away, one petal at a time, until there'll be nothing left. I used to think I was fine with that. That I could carry out my duties until I couldn't anymore.

But then you showed up and it all went to hell. I can't stop the downward spiral I'm on, so what good will it do for me to get myself involved with you? We're both headed downhill, but at least I can see my end coming, unlike you with your crazy Innocence.

I'm going straight to hell. Are you willing to go there with me, to fall with me? Because that's what'll happen if I open up and let you in.

But maybe that's for the best. Because I don't know how much longer I can live with all this anger building up inside me. There's something seriously wrong going on around here and it's going to come crashing down real soon.

I've been thinking that if you turned into a Noah I'd probably be the only one that could stop you, as arrogant as that sounds. Maybe you're okay with that, but I don't want it to come to that point. Because it just doesn't sit right with me. You said you'd take care of it, that you'd make sure that didn't happen, so make damn sure it doesn't.

Well shit, it's getting light out. The night's already done and I didn't sleep all that much. This is all your fault, Moyashi. Making me sit here thinking about things. When you come down to breakfast with a fake smile on your face I'll ignore you like usual.

You always come over to my table and wish me a good morning, and I'll answer like I always do; hardly at all. But that doesn't keep you from sitting with me, and staring at me, and irritating me just by being there.

Why do you persist when all I do is reject you? Are you a masochist? But then we're all masochists here, ready to serve up our lives for the greater good. What a load of shit.

If you want to talk you'll have to drop the mask first. I'll pry open that shell you've been hiding in lately, trying to distance yourself so you don't hurt anyone. But you can't hurt me. The damage is already done.

Hey, Moyashi, you know what? I've never had a dream. I mean like normal people do, a dream of the future, something they have to look forward to.

If you want to give me something, can you give me a dream?

Because mine are all dark and painful.

If so, maybe it'll be worth it to go knock on your door and see what you have to say. That'll take you by surprise. Heh, the look on your face will be priceless.


	3. Chapter 3

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_   
_Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb_   
_Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold_   
_Until you find it there and lead it back home_

 

I was surprised, to say the least, when you knocked on my door, Kanda.

No, surprise is an understatement, but I let you in and you confront me in that blunt way of yours. I don't even know where to begin, what to say, how to tell you about my dreams. My thoughts are all scrambled and then you move closer, the look in your eyes inscrutable.

And then you _**kiss**_ me.

The touch I've been longing for, and I don't need words anymore. When your lips meet mine the fire I feel is unbelievable. I've never felt so alive when you slip your hands under my shirt and lift it over my head. Your hands are shaking as they work on my belt and unzip my pants. You tug them down, exposing me but I'm not embarrassed. You confirm that when you look into my eyes and see nothing there but desire.

I can't help but laugh, softly, as I step out of my trousers. I reach for your shirt, pulling it loose and unbutton it in a hurry, my hands shaking just as much as yours. I slide it back over your shoulders and you take care of the rest as I kiss your chest, your mark, lick my way up to your lips and claim your mouth.

You stand still, letting my hands roam down to help you remove your pants, and then I'm on my knees, pulling one leg out, then the other. Your cock is throbbing as I take hold of it and god, oh god, it's hot in my mouth as my saliva coats it, my tongue running slowly along its length. You moan, and I can feel your legs trembling as I run my hands up your thighs and squeeze your ass lightly.

Your hands grab my hair, pulling me away, and you look down with lips slightly parted, panting, as I get to my feet. I grab your hand and drag you to the bed, and I land flat on my back and raise my hands for you to come to me.

I had been dreaming about how things might be at the end of this war, but that seems so far away, now that you're this near. All I can see is you on top of me, growing closer by the second, and then my mind goes blank from the searing heat of your lips.

 

_All this time I can't believe I couldn't see_   
_Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me_   
_I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems_   
_Got to open my eyes to everything_   
_Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul_   
_Don't let me die here_   
_There must be something more_   
_Bring me to life_

 

At first you were all flustered, Moyashi. I guess I really did surprise you, but I set aside the amusement I would normally get from your confusion since all I can see is your mouth moving, trying to explain yourself, and I think I understand just what it is you want from me. This seems to be the one way we communicate the best. And oh, this is definitely the best. Seems like I wanted the same thing, too.

My mouth on yours, my shaking hands on you. I can't believe I'm shaking this much as I undress you. And you want me. You laugh softly, happily, as you strip away my clothes, and with them goes my inhibitions.

You're on your knees, taking me in your mouth, and there's a buzzing in my head, my sight goes all blurry and I moan, and I don't care. The room is chilly and I'm burning up. I grab at your hair and pull you off. And you grab my hand and pull me with you until you're on the bed and I'm on top of you.

And then we're all _**lust**_ and _**need**_ , everything is hot and fast, and you spread your legs and wrap them around me, my mouth is on your neck, sucking, my hand is on your cock, pumping.

And then I'm in you and you cry out my name, and it sounds so different when you say it now. You cry out again as I thrust into you. You're hot and tight and I'm melting into you deeper every time, your fingers tightly tangled in my hair, your mouth devouring my lips and my tongue, sucking on them greedily as you arch up into me.

And I fall down into you, my hand raggedly stroking your length. It's thick and you're close and I'm losing my mind, my thrusts erratic and fast, pounding into you, and you beg for more and I can't hold back, releasing into you as you come over my hand.

As we lie there, panting and sweating, you smile at me. A real smile, not one of those fakes, and I know that no matter what happened in the past or what happens from here on out, this is the way we were always meant to be. And I can tell from the smile on your face that you feel the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence


	4. Chapter 4

Hey, Kanda, I wonder where you are now? Are you doing okay?

I sent you and Alma to that place where we had our first mission together, and I think that mission was the starting place for us, too.

Were you able to give him a good end? Are you happy you could finally set him to rest? Are you sad because your friend is gone?

I'm happy, though, because you finally called me by my name. You called me Allen and you thanked me. You were glad I was there, and I was glad because I could help you. And you smiled. A real smile. I can picture it even now. You should smile more often, Baka, because you have a beautiful smile. Heh…if I told you that it would just make you frown, but that smile meant so much to me. It was because of something _**I**_ did, and I wish I could make you smile again. I'd give anything to see you smile like that again.

I wonder, what you would think of my situation now? I'm sitting here in my cell. Just sitting, staring out the window at the moon and all I can think about is you. About us. I wish you were here. There's so much I want to tell you, but even if you _were_ here they wouldn't let you see me.

I met Neah after you stabbed me. He reminds me a little of Tyki. _That_ would make you frown, too. I don't blame you for any of that. In fact, I'm glad, because things are moving now. I don't know what'll happen, but at least I have some idea of what I'm facing, and that's better than not knowing anything. Not knowing anything is the scariest thing of all.

Tim is still huge. Oh, that's right, that happened after you left. He came barreling in in the middle of that mess. The little guy is constantly surprising me. Well, not so little anymore. He makes a great pillow. He kept getting bigger, but _this…_ I just shake my head and wonder what else he's capable of.

My arm hurts all the time because of this straitjacket of seals holding it in check. I just sit here with my legs stretched out and I'm hungry. Oh god, I'm starving, but I'm afraid to eat anything. Afraid it'll be drugged. I just can't believe it's come to this. I never, ever could've imagined this. This whole thing is so ridiculous and I don't know how it's going to turn out, so I need to be ready for anything.

But I don't regret helping you. Not for one, single second. And I wish…

I wish we could go somewhere together, too. Someplace with no war. The times we had a chance to sleep together may have been few because of this damn war, but they were real. You were real in my arms, and warm, and I felt so alive. I think you felt the same way, too. I want that again so much, and if that ever happens I swear I'll do everything I can to make it last forever. As long as forever can be for us, but if I'm with you at the end it'll be enough.

I still dream of you, whenever I can manage to get some sleep. My dreams are more real than reality now. Dreams and memories. Memories of when I didn't **_need_** to tell you anything, because our fingers said everything. Our fingers and our hands and our lips. This torture is nothing compared to the torture of not being able to see you, to touch you, to feel you in me.

And that time when I was inside you, when you allowed me into your body, showed me your soul. We were so close and I cried and you laughed a little, but there were a few tears in your eyes, too. Maybe from laughing, maybe from something else, something deeper.

I want us to be able to have that something. That's what's keeping me going now. I'll get through this any way I can and pray I get to see you again. Is that selfish of me, after I already set you free? I don't care. I'll let myself be selfish and I hope you'll hear my prayers.

...I miss you, Baka.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, Allen, I've been sneezing a lot lately.

Maybe it's because of this drafty room I'm staying in right now, or maybe because someone's talking about me. Or thinking about me. Because sometimes you think out loud. Is it you?

Tch…idiot Moyashi…

As soon as the rain lets up I'll continue watching the Ark gate. That's right, I'm going back to the Order, and I'm going to get Mugen, and then I'm coming to find you.

And I _**will**_ find you.

It's taken me a while to get back here, only to hear rumours about all the ruckus you caused. All you do is give me trouble. The Order'll give me trouble, too, but I'm not telling them anything and I'll get away somehow. And when I find you I'm not telling you anything, either.

Oh, you'll probably yell at me. I can just hear it now, all about how I was free, and what the hell am I thinking wearing the uniform again, but the truth is…

I'm doing it for you. I'm living for you now, and I'll do whatever I have to do to make things right. Because of what I did to you. And I know you probably don't blame me, but I can't help but regret some of the decisions I made because I was blinded by my anger at the Order. All those fools, using us as they pleased.

I'm tired of being a puppet, so I'm cutting my strings and acting on my own for the first time to change this sorry excuse of a man I've become.

I hope you'll accept my silent apology because I won't voice it. I don't think I'll need to, anyway, because of what we've shared. The times we were together, so close together. I've never had anything like that, never felt anything even remotely close to what you made me feel. And I want to feel it again.

And I'll make damn sure you feel it, too.

And then we'll end this whole mess, one way or another. Maybe this is the third side, the side that'll finally make a difference. It's us and our choices, not following whatever sick script has been written for all these years.

I just want it to end, and then I want us to leave and go somewhere quiet where we can finish out our lives in peace, that is, if we survive. But if I have anything to say about it we _**will**_ survive. We'll live on our own terms, and die the same way.

For so long I thought I wasn't even human, but I've been thinking different lately. I think I know what it means to be human. It's not the circumstances of your birth, but how you live your life. The things you feel and how you treat others.

I haven't done very well in the 'treating others kindly' department, but you know that better than most. I thought that because I was made this way, and raised only knowing how to fight and kill, that those kinds of things didn't apply to me. I probably hurt people. No, I know I did. I've said some hurtful things. It's taken me a long time to get to the point I'm at now, and a lot of that has to do with you.

Hey, Allen, do you believe in reincarnation?

I don't know what I believe, but I think it would be nice to have another chance. To have more time, to have a whole lifetime, but only if I could live it with you. Heh…that's if we could put up with each other for that long.

Looks like the rain is letting up so I'm heading out. I'm coming back to you, Allen, so you better be ready, because I'm never leaving you again.


	6. Chapter 6

It's a small, comfortable place, just enough for the two of us. It's quiet here, and peaceful, something we've both been dreaming of. You have your garden to tend and I'm content to putter around the house. We take turns making the meals, and I've learned how to make some new dishes and managed to get you to try them. I've also learned how to make your favorite soba after much trial and error, and this pleases you the most. Our friends come to visit us but we never go anywhere. We're happy to stay right here. This is all we want, where we're meant to be, and we'll live here until our lives fade away.

When you found me back then you told me you'd never leave me, and you were true to your word. We fed off each other's strengths and balanced out each other's weaknesses. We walked a long, hard road with our friends and lost many along the way, but in the end we prevailed and brought the war to its bloody conclusion.

These past few years have been the best of my life. To be able to spend it in peace with everyone who survived means so much to me, and I know they'll never take for granted the new lives they're building for themselves.

The changes our relationship has gone through since we first met still amaze me, and being able to spend this time with you is my most precious gift of all. But you already know that, because I never fail to remind you, and you let me know you feel the same in your own particular way. There are some things that _never_ change, eh, Baka?

I finish brushing my teeth and turn off the light in the bathroom. You're already in bed and I crawl under the covers and snuggle up next to you. You wrap your arm around my shoulder and pull me even closer. It's been chilly lately, and we pile on the blankets to keep us warm when it gets colder in the middle of the night.

"You know, Allen, we shouldn't wait until the last moment to let them know."

"I know, and I'm sure they'd want to be here when the time comes, but I just want to spend it alone with you. I think they'll understand."

"Yeah…"

"There's no getting around it. It'll be hard on everyone, but at least we get to say goodbye. So many people never even had the chance to do that."

You wrap your other arm around me and we sink into the warmth of our bed. This is how we go to sleep every night, wrapped in each other's arms, and how we wake in the morning, thankful that we've been able to live as long as we have.

"Allen?"

"Hmm?"

"Love you," and you place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"Love you, too," and my lips touch softly to yours. "Sweet dreams."

"You, too."

Words are not enough to express the depth of our love, but it's a little ritual we go through every night before we go to sleep. The meaning of the words only grows stronger as our bodies grow weaker.

If we get to live a life after this one, I know we'll find each other, because you and I share one heart, one soul, and you _did_ promise you'd never leave me again.

_I'll kiss away your sorrow and pain._  
_You'll take me in your arms again and again_  
_until I lay my head on your breast,_  
_quiet, and at rest._  
_I'll quell all your fears,_  
_you'll dry my face of tears,_  
_and we'll slip into the slumber that's awaited us for years._

 

**And time slowly passes.**

 

The light feels like it's burning a hole through my eyelids, so I crack my eyes open a bit. The sun is streaming in through the windows in our small apartment because we forgot to close the curtains last night.

_"Allen?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Love you."_

_"Love you, too. Sweet dreams."_

_"You, too."_

What _was_ that dream?

You know, Kanda, I've been having strange dreams lately. Kind of like one of those period piece movies set in another time and another place. I was fighting in a war and you were there, too. We were lovers and we were separated, but then you found me again. Other people, they feel like they were our friends, were fighting along with us. There's too much detail for them to be ordinary dreams. Actually, they feel more like memories, and I wonder if people really _do_ remember past lives they've lived.

I wonder if you're dreaming the same things, too.

The sounds of people going about their business outside increases in volume. The neighbor's TV blares into life and his wife yells at him to turn it down. I cringe at the screeching tires and honking horns down on the street. We really need to get away from the city for a while.

Neither of us has to work today so we get to sleep in. I hear you mumble something in your sleep and then your arm drapes over my waist, your hand coming to rest on top of my stomach. You pull my naked body closer to you, my back against your chest, and your breath wafts over my ear, tickling a little.

I turn over and you make a frowny face and I put a couple of fingers over the crease between your eyebrows and rub it away. I prod your cheek and you relax and make little humming noises. If you were a cat I suppose you'd be purring right about now. You remind me of a cat, the way you move and stretch your body out in the morning.

You open your eyes and smile. I love it when you smile. I'm struck by something from a dream (a memory?) of you smiling like that, and something tugs at my heart.

"Do you ever dream about me?" I murmur.

"Where did that come from?" you mutter, but I think I struck a nerve. The crease is back on your brow and your gaze is troubled.

"Just wondering."

I'll ask again later when we're both more awake. I stretch out like you and snuggle even closer, not quite ready to leave the comfort of our bed.

Now that we're both awake and pressed so close I can feel your morning arousal against my thigh. I climb on top of you and you don't complain, a smirk on your lips.

You wrap your arms around my neck, bringing me to you, and we kiss in that soft, slow way we do first thing in the morning.

My hands play through your hair, all mussed and spread out everywhere. My hair's long, too, but not as long as yours, and your fingers comb through it, tugging my head to the side so you can lick and nip at my neck.

I nudge your legs apart and you bend your knees to give me more room. You're waking up fast now, eager for what I want to give you, and you reach for the lube and pop the top off, squirting some on my outstretched hand.

Then my fingers are in you and I stretch you and curl them just the right way and you moan. I coat my length and you press into it as I slide inside you, both of us groaning as we move faster.

A flash of a memory hits me again. I've held you in my arms like this before, but it was tender and poignant. Our lives were running out and we didn't have much time left, lives tragically cut short, and I feel a sorrow so deep it threatens to overwhelm me.

"I love you, Baka," I whisper.

Your eyes open wide. "...Baka?"

"Mmhm…"

"You know what that word means?"

"Mmhm…"

"Idiot Moyashi."

"...Moyashi?"

"…yeah."

We've never called each other that. Those names are only from dreams, and I know you've realized it, too, by the look on your face. You've been having the same dream memories as me. I'm so happy I could cry, and my tears start to fall.

"Allen?" There's concern in your voice now.

But I just shake my head and smile. "I'll tell you later."

Because now we'll have all the time in the world to tell each other everything, unlike in the past. We've been given another chance.

And we'll take that chance and run like the wind.

I know you're feeling it, too, from the way your eyes blaze with desire. Your hips jerk up as I come down, our lips lock together, never parting as my hand finds its way under your back. Your legs wrap around me, heels digging in, urging me on, wanting me deeper.

I lift you up and you come down on me hard. I plunge all the way into you and grab your cock. It's hot and pulsing and I stroke it faster and faster. Your fingers dig into my shoulders, pushing yourself down on me, our breathing getting out of control. You cry out when we find the perfect angle and I hit you again and again. We're driven by our renewed lust for life, to make the most of every second of it. Your head drops onto my shoulder and you call out my name as the fire burns in my belly and comes shooting up into you, filling you, and then you paint our skin with your sticky warmth.

We fall on the bed, a shivering mess of arms and legs. I'm still in you, moving slower, hesitant to break the contact, because this closeness just feels so damn good.

The world around us comes back into focus and I pull out and roll over on my back. You grab some tissues and turn on your side to gaze at me as you wipe away the evidence of the love we made. You cover us with the blankets and snuggle against me. My mind is hazy, I'm sure yours is, too, and we indulge in the luxury of falling back to sleep, ignoring the noise outside.

Depending on how lazy we feel we might get up for lunch, or maybe not until dinner, and we'll talk some more about the plans for our trip. I'm so looking forward to this. You were a bit grumpy at first, complaining we couldn't afford it since we're barely getting by, but you finally gave in. I have my ways of getting what I want and for some reason you put up with my nonsense. I secretly think you wanted to go somewhere, too.

It feels like we've started all over again, a brand new life of endless possibilities, and I don't think we'll have the dreams anymore, because now we have a whole lifetime ahead of us to make new dreams come true.


End file.
